At one point or another we’ve all been sucked into a late night internet black hole leading us to a “What Kind of Sandwich Are You” Buzzfeed Test that had us questioning our whole existence. (“WTF, how am I a hoagie?!! I’m most definitely a club!”) But there are a few tests that are actually slightly more reliable when it comes to determining your defining characteristics. In fact, these three tests have been extremely effective in helping me navigate life and interpersonal relationships. (Yes, even more accurate than your zodiac sign. Don’t come for me Capri-Suns.)
I believe every single person should know the following about themself:
1. Your Attachment Style
If you take one thing away from this post — please let it be learning your attachment style. This will improve every interpersonal relationship you have, and will help make sense of the ones that have failed. There are 4 attachment styles that are typically formed in your childhood (don’t get caught up on the childhood part though, you may not remember where it stemmed from, and it’s not imperative that you do). I’m going to give you the VERY brief rundown of each type in relation to romantic relationships:
- Secure – No issues here. You’re chill. Probably happily married to some hot catch. Cheers to you and all your success!
- Anxious-Preoccupied – Always worried that you will be left or that your partner is losing interest. You tend to “obsess” and “chase.”
- Dismissive-Avoidant – You consistently push love away. You don’t ever truly let people in to keep from getting hurt.
- Fearful-Avoidant – A combination of the two above, you usually feel confused in relationships. You want love, but when you finally start to let someone get close you get scared and push them away, then you wish you didn’t. (This cycle then repeats.)
Any combination of these attachment styles OTHER than Secure with Secure is likely to have a lot of drama. The good news, though, is that you can CHANGE your attachment style to a secure one by recognizing it, and doing the work to fix your behavior and thought patterns. From someone who worked to change their attachment style to a secure one — I’ll tell you that it’s a lot of work, but SO worth it.
Start with this:
✔ This video introduced me to Attachment Theory and was my huge AHA! moment
✔ Attachment Style Test
✔ Thais Gibson’s entire YouTube channel is like going to free therapy once you know your attachment style. Search her playlists to delve into yours and I promise your relationships are going to improve.
2. Your Love Language
You’ve probably heard of the book, The Five Love Languages. And you’ve probably seen posts on Instagram about memes being a love language (I actually kind of believe this.) But it IS important to know how both you and your partner express and receive love. If your BF keeps telling you you’re beautiful, but all you want is a Birkin bag to know he loves you, then you gotta communicate that, or dump him and get a sugar daddy. Here are the 5 love languages:
- Quality Time (This is how I receive love)
- Acts of Service
- Words of Affirmation (A very close second for me)
- Gifts
- Physical Touch (Won’t say no to this either)
Start with this:
✔ Love Language Test
3. Your Enneagram Type
For a while everyone was really into finding out their Myers-Briggs Type. But my friend Megan introduced me to enneagrams, and I’ve found it to be much more accurate and explanatory for me. There are 9 personality types, and you can have a “wing,” that is one above or below your numbered type. Meaning that you also have characteristics of that type. (Kind of like how I’m a Taurus-Aries cusp.)
- The Reformer – Rational, Idealistic
- The Helper – Caring, Interpersonal
- The Achiever – Success-Oriented, Pragmatic (This is mine)
- The Individualist – Sensitive, Withdrawn
- The Investigator – Intense, Cerebral
- The Loyalist – Security Oriented
- The Enthusiast – Busy, Fun-Loving
- The Challenger – Powerful, Dominating, Protective
- The Peacemaker – Easygoing, Self-Effacing
You can’t just look at this list and decide which one you are. You have to take the test to determine. Fair warning, this test is long. I think it’s about 40 questions. So carve out a bit of time.
Start with this:
✔ Enneagram Test
I truly believe that knowing yourself is the key to loving yourself. And just like Ru Paul says, “If you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love anybody else?” 💛
